They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
