You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
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