What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
