wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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