My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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