I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
