I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Less talking, more tequila
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
