pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
