I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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