Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
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