I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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