Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
