maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
