and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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