I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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