Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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