so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
