hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize
