When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
