forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
