smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
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