I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
