i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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