I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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