I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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