I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
