omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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