What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
