Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
