True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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