I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
PANTIES FOUND
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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