I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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