My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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