Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
