I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
being pregnant is like rehab
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
