from now on my penis is your penis
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
