The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
