Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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