I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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