my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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