you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
