You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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