woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
