you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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