My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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