You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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