just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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