I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
