The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
