Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
