after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
