he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
