dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
